Life is a series of closing doors.
How ironic, when people teach me how to love, I actually find myself in many situations where I have to learn how not to love things, places, and people in all kinds of ways. None of them taught me how to unlove. Unlove the things we hold close, unlove the things we treasure too much, unlove the things we think are ours, and unlove the things we think we can’t live without.
The ‘sense of loss’ when I felt ‘already mine’ was the hardest thing for me. The fact that I only ‘forgot’ instead of ‘let go’ was also one of the piles of sadness that I was still reluctant to admit as a futility. Then in silence, I went back to pretending that everything was normal, not finished, nor getting clarity.
But that’s life, most of the time it just takes time to really realize and learn.
I spent a lot of difficult times alone, trying to fix things that sometimes didn’t get better but maybe got worse. Wondering what went wrong, then staying up all night just because of one or two words that came out of a stranger’s mouth. I try to be loved easily, when in reality I also hate myself very easily.
Then later, I met a time when I was warned from the start that I was just ‘a replacer’ and given the choice to stay or leave.
I chose to stay, yes, even though I knew it was only temporary.
In the process, I experienced a lot of love and happiness. It’s easy to fall into that moment, but even though it’s hard I often make myself realize that I’m not completely trapped in a sense of comfort.
However in the end it still failed.
The day of the goodbye came, the sense of comfort turned into a sense of worry, and the sense of love was somehow difficult to compromise to turn into a sense of sincerity, the happiness of that moment suddenly haunted me almost 3 months later.
I was trapped in a deep sense of love and a sense of belonging, even though I consciously knew that having them was impossible, still..I hoped that my time with them would continue until tomorrow and tomorrow again.
But then again, life is a series of closed doors. Life is a series of acts as if you’re okay when you want someone to help you. Life is a series of acts as if you can handle things alone when they are all heavy for you to carry at once. Life is a series of acts like you know how to handle your disappointment when you don’t know how to muffle those feelings out of sight.
Many beautiful moments with them died too soon
— Nasya, January 2023
But here I am. I learned to unlove them. I learned to be sincere.
Time gives me a limit. I have many moments to cherish today and always believe that all my sadness will end. Here I am, writing this letter smiling and proud because I finally can freely move to the next level of my life.
This letter was written for me when I was a part of Tuneeca’s finance team. Thank you for accepting me and my weirdness. I hope to see you again next time.